


The End of an Era

by ThefirstRanger



Series: Tax Evasion AU [3]
Category: The Brotherband Chronicles - John Flanagan
Genre: F/M, Lydia/Ingvar is platonic, M/M, Marriage for tax evasion purposes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23176090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThefirstRanger/pseuds/ThefirstRanger
Summary: It's the third year in a row that Ingvar and Lydia have avoided paying taxes, but this time Hal and Sig are gunning for the tax evasion throne. Who will win?
Relationships: Hal Mikkelson/Stig Olafson, Ingvar/Lydia (Brotherband Chronicles), Stefan/Jesper
Series: Tax Evasion AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1657705
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20
Collections: Ranger’sApprenticeFics





	The End of an Era

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to all the people on the discord who gave me ideas on how to evade taxes!

When Hal and Stig got back from their honeymoon, Hallasholm was exactly the same. Well, except for the fact that Thorn, Kloof, and apparently Great Aunt Winfredia lived with the Wiglafson-Demareks and Stefan was wooing Jesper. Other than that, Hallasholm was exactly the same. 

The Herons still took jobs, they still sailed around doing their thing. Everything was normal except there was a simmering undercurrent of tension between Hal and Stig and Lydia and Ingvar. They were all great friends of course, but the closer and closer it got to tax season, the more the tension appeared. They couldn’t help it.

There was an unspoken rivalry that had somehow developed and this year was perhaps the best year to finish off this rivalry; to see which couple was the best at tax evasion once and for all.  
~  
The fire was crackling in Lydia’s cabin and it was a pleasant place to be in; a refuge from the cold winter outside. Lydia had been out hunting before her weekly chat with Edvin and had to clean up some of the mess she had left that morning with the deerskin. It wouldn’t be any fun to sit with a dead deer staring at them; the rest of the mess could stay. Gorlog, Edvin would probably end up cleaning the cabin for her. 

Edvin had let himself in; he spent so much time at this cabin and Lydia and Ingvar’s house that they were practically his as well. Edvin was knitting by the fire while Lydia was examining her atatl and knives. Edvin was currently finishing up knitting matching jackets for him and Lydia. They were going to be the envy of Hallasholm. 

Lydia and Edvin didn’t need to talk when they were together; oftentimes it was nice to have a break, to be with someone they could be silent together with. Silence was Lydia’s preferred state and Edvin was glad to have someone who wouldn’t tease him for knitting constantly. 

“They’re finished.” Edvin held up two perfectly knitted jackets, dark green with a heron on the back. Lydia turned around to see and she nearly gasped. 

“Edvin, I love them.” It was exactly what Lydia had wanted: a matching knitted jacket that she could flaunt with Edvin. 

A jacket flew through the air and landed at Lydia’s feet. 

“Try it on.”

The jackets fit perfectly, no surprise there, and Edvin and Lydia took a moment to look at each other approvingly. The other Herons would be so jealous. They only had hats that were an Edvin original. 

Lydia returned her attention to her knives and started to test the whetstone and edges. Edvin put aside his knitting and without a word, started to braid Lydia’s long hair. 

It was a normal ritual and the feeling was comforting. Edvin was much better at complex braids than Lydia was; a side effect of growing up and tying knots in every single rope he could get his hands on. The fire illuminated the room and outside, the wind howled. 

After a while, Edvin broke the comfortable silence. 

“I’ve been thinking of getting a second job. Y’know, for some extra income.”

Lydia kept her attention on her whetstone. “Really?” Being a part of the famous Heron Brotherband paid some good money and unless Edvin had developed a taste for fine furs, and judging from his knitted cap he hadn’t, then any extra income would be just that: extra.

“Uh huh. Erak’s looking for another man during tax season,” said Edvin, a little too casually. “I’d be looking at the books and helping record payments.”

At this, Lydia looked up with interest written on her face. “Are you implying what I think you’re implying?”

Edvin grinned; he and Lydia were on the same page. 

“Oh yes I am.”

Lydia leaned back with a look of utmost satisfaction on her face. The same look was mirrored on Edvin’s face. 

You’d be a licensed tax collector?”

If it was possible, Edvin’s grin stretched even farther. “I’d be collecting taxes and I’d become an official accountant. I could probably even get my notary license below the table.”

Lydia was already imagining the loopholes they could exploit with Edvin’s power and the chaos they’d create. It was glorious. 

“You glorious genius.”

Edvin ducked his head in false modesty. “Ah, Lyd, you’re embarrassing me.”

Lydia took his head and put it in her hands, looking him straight in the eye. 

“No, seriously, you are a genius and you are going to help us evade taxes once and for all.”

Edvin only grinned back; this was going to be a fun year.  
~  
“Oh Lydia, the love of my life.” singsonged Ingvar the next week. 

Lydia had to crack a smile. It was ridiculous and over the top, but she loved the nicknames Ingvar came up with. It was delightful to see Hal’s face turn red after particularly sappy ones. 

“Yes, the light of my life, the wind in my sails?” 

Ingvar grinned; that was a good one. He was in an excellent mood; it was the start of the year and it was Lydia and Ingvar’s favorite time of the year after tax evasion season itself. 

“It’s that time of year again.” Lydia pumped her fist. 

“I’ll get the tax books on her way home from hunting. You wanna get the ledgers from Brunhilde at the market today?” 

It was a good plan and Ingvar nodded his agreement. They’d start the tradition up tonight.  
~  
It was tax preparation season again and no one loved tax preparation and tax season more than Lydia. Years ago, if someone had told Lydia that she would be living in a foreign land and coming up with elaborate tax evasion schemes that she would do with her husband, Lydia would have laughed them out of town. But here she was and she was loving life. 

Tax preparation season started many months before tax evasion season and was quickly becoming a popular tradition, at least amongst the Herons. Hal and Stig had gotten married last year in an attempt to one up Lydia and Ingvar, so naturally things had to escalate even further this year. 

Ingvar and Lydia were settled down in their yearly tradition; getting their hands on as many tax books as possible and trying to find more loopholes. Lydia was pouring over books and Ingvar was squinting at ledgers from years past. Occasionally Lydia would read passages out loud and ask for clarification on the meaning, but other than that, it was silent. 

The house was silent until Lydia leaped up out her chair, nearly knocking most of the papers into the fire, and startling Ingvar.

“Why didn’t you tell me Limmat is a tax haven?” yelled Lydia. 

“What? Limmat is a tax haven?” Ingvar looked down at the ledger that he could barely see. “Since when?”

“Since forever! No one’s used it though!” Lydia’s voice rose up and she was basically screaming. 

“Shhhhh! You’re gonna make everyone know about the tax haven!” 

Even though the evidence was right in front of him, Ingvar still couldn’t believe it. His mind was reeling with the implications of this discovery. He started to think out loud.

“We don’t have to have any other loopholes; we can sink all of our money into the Limmat banking system and Erak can’t collect taxes on it. We did it. We really did it.” 

Ingvar sat down in shock and Lydia had her hands clasped behind her head, pacing around. The sweet taste of victory was overwhelming. For so long they had worked for this moment and here it was upon them. 

Neither of them was sure how long they sat there, reveling in their knowledge. It was gratifying, but yet somehow empty. Something was missing. 

Ingvar turned to Lydia. “You feel it too, right? Limmat isn’t quite spectacular enough; we’re going to have to make other loopholes in addition to the tax haven.” 

Her husband had voiced Lydia’s exact thoughts. Hal and Stig were hinting that they wanted to beat them in tax evasion schemes this year and that was simply not allowed. A tax haven wasn’t flashy enough and there was no way Lydia was losing to Stig in the tax evasion field she had invented. No way. 

“You know,” ventured Lydia. “Edvin’s applying to be a tax collector this year. He’s got a public certificate and everything.”

Why hadn’t Lydia told him this before? That was literally a game changer. Ingvar had to sit down; he was so overwhelmed. 

“How can we exploit our friend’s position?” wondered Ingvar. 

Lydia grinned her signature shark’s grin; it really was terrifying to receive.

“I’m so glad you asked. I have so many ideas, starting with Thorn officially adopting me...”  
~  
“Hey, Lydia, did you know that alimony is non-taxable?”

“Huh?” Lydia looked up from the giant stack of papers surrounding her. She hadn’t heard what Ingvar had said. 

“If we got a divorce and paid each other alimony, but sank all our other cash flow into the Limmat banking system, we could have non-taxable cash on hand. We wouldn’t have to take our payments as pure cargo.”

They could stop paying for things in awkward cargo payments. They wouldn’t have to deal with beleaguered stares when Ingvar hefted up a box full of textiles to trade with. It was amazing. Lydia wanted to shove all the paper to the ground and dance for joy with Ingvar. 

Instead, she got down on one knee- she knew exactly what to do- and Ingvar had never felt so happy in his life.

“Ingvar, will you get a divorce with me?”  
~  
“So I can’t call you my wife anymore?” Ingvar wrinkled his brow. 

“Not technically, I guess, no.”

“Can I still call you all those ridiculous nicknames? No one will catch on if I keep using them and not wife.” Lydia had to admit that was a great idea. 

“That’s genius, my sunshine.”

“Thank you, my beloved battle axe.”

“I don’t like that one. It makes me sound like Erak’s grandfather’s axe.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.”  
~  
In the basement of town hall, in a room that never got used, stood Thorn, Lydia, Ingvar, Edvin, and Brunhilde. Brunhilde pushed aside some wispy grey hairs and cleared her throat. She really wanted to be in her own home on this cold February day, but you played with the cards you were dealt with.

“We are all here to bear witness to the formal adoption of Lydia Demarek to Thorn,” Here Brunhilde peered down at the piece of paper she had been given. “Thorn Hammerhand.”

Needless to say, Brunhilde was a bit confused on why Edvin had asked her to preside over an adoption ceremony in the middle of the night and why the said ceremony had to be a secret, but Edvin was a dear and she would keep his secret. 

“Thorn Hammerhand, you have now officially adopted Lydia Demarek as your daughter. Whoop de doo!” 

Thorn grinned and raised his non-hook hand up for a high five, which Lydia accepted. This had been a long time coming and both the newly minted father and daughter were glad it had happened. “So I’m your father now, huh?”

“More like grandfather, you old man.” The insult had no real bite to it, a mere facsimile of an insult.

“Grandfather? How old do you think I am?”

Lydia arched one eyebrow. Thorn had set her up perfectly for that one. “Do you really want me to answer that?”

While this familial bickering was going on, Edvin turned to thank Brunhilde for her spectacular work. This was the second time this month that Edvin had called her in for a special favor; the first was to oversee the divorce between Lydia and Ingvar. It was a touching ceremony. 

“Thanks Brunhilde; I owe you one. Will I see you at the knitting club?”

Brunhilde patted Edvin’s cheek as she walked out of the room. “Oh no dear, not this week. It interferes too much with the sailing club.”  
~  
“How many deductions are we looking at Hal?”

A paper was handed to Stig and he winced at the sight. While they had a good start, it was obvious that their deductions and loopholes wouldn’t even come close to Lydia and Ingvar’s. The deductions for the Heron were nice and so were the cargo payments, but it just wasn’t going to cut it. 

Stig sat down on his favorite chair and tried to think of what they could do. What had Lydia and Ingvar done in the past to get away with their tax scheme? They had gotten married, but Hal and Stig couldn’t do that again. Lydia had claimed foreign tax deductions, but Araluen law prevented any tax deductions from Hal this year so that was off the table too. 

“Is there anything we can do?” 

Hal shook his head. “There’s nothing I can think of right now.”

He looked dejected and so Stig pulled him over to the chair and embraced him, whispering in Hal’s ear. 

“Don’t worry, we have plenty of time to think of something.”

Hal relaxed at his touch and tried to take his mind off taxes. If anyone could distract him, it was Stig.  
~  
“We have to go all out this year. Hal and Stig are going to keep trying and we have to stop them once and for all.” Ingvar was pacing around the cabin as Edvin stared thoughtfully into the fire and Lydia examined her atatl.

“How can we maximize and exploit Edvin’s position of power to cause as much distress to our friends as possible?”

“Do they know he’s a certified accountant?” The question was directed to Lydia, but Edvin answered from beside the fire. It really all came down to that fact. If Hal didn’t know, it was one more edge over him. If he did know, well Edvin was going to have an annoying year. 

“I’m not one, at least not yet. Next week is when I get my certificate.” 

Lydia turned to Edvin. “How long can you keep the news of your certification a secret?”

Tapping his finger to his chin, Edvin thought. “Well, I can talk to Brunhilde and call in some favors to keep myself to the back office; I’m not going to announce to everyone if that’s what you’re asking.” He wasn’t about to start committing tax fraud for Stig and Hal.

“Perfect.” Let’s keep it that way, Lydia thought to herself.  
~  
It was getting close, too close to tax season and everyone knew it. Their bones ached and people started to hear the call of the mountains more clearly. It just put Lydia and Ingvar on edge. They knew Hal and Stig were planning something, they just didn’t know what. The air in their cabin was thick with anticipation. 

There was a knock on the door and a whoosh as a pile of papers was pushed under their door. Lydia and Ingvar looked at each other warily. They remembered the last time someone had slipped a note under their dorr; it had been an invitation to Hal and Stig’s wedding. This was not a good sign. The couple picked up the invitation and started to read it. 

Outside, Hal and Stig were gleefully hiding behind a bush. Their plan was in motion and they wanted to watch Lydia and Ingvar’s reaction to the scheme. 

“WHAT?” yelled Lydia and the Herons winced at the sound. Lydia came storming out of her cabin with Ingvar close at her heels. “Hal Mikkelson, you’re serving us custody papers?”

“And for Kloof no less! How could you?" cried out Ingvar. Hal had crossed the line. You didn’t mess with Kloof. 

“Wait, you wouldn’t have been this upset if they filed a custody battle for Thorn?” asked Ulf, causing everyone to swing their heads over to Thorn, who was scratching his head with his hook hand. They all paused there, looking at Thorn yawning, and all the heads swung back and started arguing even louder than before. What a dumb question Ulf had asked. 

“Come on Lydia! Let’s go find Erak!”

Hal and Stig exchanged panicked glances.

“You have to wait until the legally issued court time on the paper!” They had timed the custody battle so that the official would rule in favor of them, not Lydia and Ingvar. 

“No! We’re finishing this right here and right now!” Lydia stamped her foot and Ingvar shouted out a “Yeah!”

The angry couple started to march towards town, making a beeline for Erak’s house. Hal looked helplessly at Stig before scrambling to follow. The rest of the Herons followed as well. They want to observe all this drama. 

“Svengal, go back to bed!” roared Erak as he tried to compose himself. It wasn’t quite tax season yet, he kept reminding himself. The Herons could be knocking on his door early in the morning for a legitimate reason. 

“This better be good.” 

Anyone else would have cowered under Erak’s glare, but the Herons stood firm. Hal spoke first. 

“We have a question of custody over Kloof. She obviously lives with us and we’ll claim her as a dependent.” So that was what this was all about. It all circled back to taxes.

Lydia felt like she had to say something. 

“Erak, we’ve filed Kloof as a dependent before; these yahoos never have. I feed Kloof and she goes hunting with me. If anyone can claim custody, it’s me and Ingvar.” That was true, but Erak was pretty sure that Hal had found Kloof first and he had a valid claim to her as well. 

Hal stepped forward. “Erak, Kloof is the Heron mascot. The Heron is my ship, so Kloof is my dependent.”

Ingvar couldn’t take it anymore; he had to step in. He could see Erak wavering in his decision. It was time to end this farce. “Oberjarl,” Ingvar said in his most respectful voice. “Kloof may be the Heron mascot, but when she was under Hal’s care, she destroyed your grandfather’s axe. Under Lydia’s training and my care, Kloof hasn’t touched your axe in years.”

If there was any way to sway Erak on this pointless court battle that would only cause him headaches in the future, it was bringing up his beloved ancestral axe. 

“You’ve convinced me. Now, please just leave me alone until tax season; I’m begging you.” Erak could feel a headache coming on and it was barely 9 in the morning. 

“Noooo!” Stig fell to his knees. His hail Mary had failed. 

Ingvar pulled on Lydia's arm. “Let’s go, Lyds. We have to pick up groceries anyway.” 

Lydia reluctantly pulled away from the confrontation with Stig and she nodded at Edvin, He would join them in town separately as not to draw attention to the fact that the three of them were meeting together.  
~  
The walk into town cooled down Lydia, though she could still feel indignation flowing through her veins. The gall of Hal and Stig for trying to take Kloof away from them! Lydia could feel her blood boiling at the thought and Ingvar laid a comforting arm on her arm. She looked up at her platonic ex husband and smiled. Ingvar didn’t even have to say a word, but he was going to.

“Hal and Stig are just jealous that we’re a better couple than them.” Lydia snorted; that might be true, but the tax evasion was definitely more a competition fueled by pure ridiculousness rather than any underlying jealousy or trash like that. 

Ingvar was going to say more, but he spotted Stefan out of the corner of his eye by the smith shop and turned to his crewmate. 

“Hey Stefan!” Stefan froze where he was, with a guilty look on his face and several bags stuffed full in his arms. 

Stefan could not look more guilty even if he tried and his guilt didn’t disappear when Jesper appeared on the scene, his arms also full of bags. Both men were frozen to the spot under the strength of Lydia’s glare. No one was moving; everyone was waiting in anticipation of what Lydia was going to do. Would she stop Stefan and Jesper or would she let them keep on doing what they were doing?

Without warning, Edvin popped up and sighed, eliminating the need for Lydia to do anything. This was the third time he’d busted Jesper and Stefan this week. 

“Come on you two. Stop giving away your possessions. Everyone knows they’re yours; you have your initials embroidered all over your clothes Stefan.” 

This caused Stefan to look down at the bags in his hands and smile guiltily back up at Edvin.

“Whoops?” He offered weakly. 

Ingvar started to step towards Stefan and Jesper, but Lydia shook her head. It wasn’t worth the effort and they needed to buy groceries. 

Sighing with relief, Jesper dragged Stefan into a nearby alley. He didn't want to deal with an irritated Lydia today. 

Edvin turned to the couple. “I’m a little surprised that you didn’t try to stop them.” Usually Lydia would have stared them into submission.

Lydia sighed deeply. “We really do need to go to the market. I need some more rope and Ingvar wanted to see if Thorn was around. We need to talk to him.” She wanted to stare down her friends, but duty called. 

The trio started walking down the street in comfortable silence, buying groceries until Ingvar broke the silence as he handed over a swatch of cloth to the vendor. 

“Ya know Edvin, for someone who pays all of his taxes, you sure do spend a lot of time and energy helping us avoid ours.”

Edvin shrugged. “I’m a man of multitudes. Did I tell you I have a plan that could set up Hal and Stig for tomorrow?” 

“No, you didn’t!” This was a betrayal of the highest order. 

“What were you planning?” 

A grin spread across Edvin’s face. “I’ll tell you tonight over cards. I have to set it in motion first.”

Lydia and Ingvar exchanged stares while Edvin scanned the streets distractedly. Was their goody-goody friend secretly a genius mastermind? Was he going to put out a hit on Hal and Stig. There were a lot of hitmen for hire in Hallasholm. 

“You,” Lydia wasn’t even sure she should ask, but if Edvin was going to send out a hit on Hal, she felt like she had a duty to know. Or maybe plausible deniability was better, she wasn’t sure. “You aren’t sending hitmen after Hal, are you?”

Edvin spun around to face her. “Are you crazy? No, of course not! I don’t know where I’d even find a hitman!”

Lydia suddenly felt very guilty about the fact that she knew where to find a hitman, but she wasn’t going to mention that. A quick glance at Ingvar showed that he was feeling the same way. 

Ingvar tentatively ventured to say, “What are you planning?”

Rather than answering, Edvin spotted Rollond out of the corner of his eye and started to wave him down. 

“Hey, Rollond! Rollond!”

Rollond paused to see who was calling his name and his face brightened when he saw it was Edvin. 

“Oh, hey Edvin, what can I do for you?”

With a smile on his face, Edvin pulled Rollond to the side. “I’m so glad you asked…”  
~  
Hal and Stig were plotting in the tavern the night before tax collection. They needed to beat Lydia and Ingvar somehow. The tavern was bright, loud, and crowded, but Hal and Stig were despondent. There were no good ideas on how to beat Lydia and Ingvar in tax evasion, much less ideas that were plausible or wouldn’t completely break their friendship apart permanently. Stig had suggested firing them from the crew, but Hal had a feeling that a mutiny would happen if he fired them. It wasn’t worth it, plus Hal wasn’t sure if he’d have to pay them unemployment benefits. Knowing Lydia and Ingvar, they'd make him pay them. 

“Hal, we have to beat Lydia. Do you know what she did today? She winked at me and smirked while we were getting groceries. I can’t stand it!” complained Stig. 

“I know, but I have no idea about what we could do. We’ve already calculated the cargo tax deduction and our custody play didn’t work. We’re not even being unique because I’m pretty sure Stefan is engaged to Jesper now.” At this point, the Heron was going to need a lot more sleeping space.

Hal was on the verge of tearing out his sandy brown hair. There had to be something Lydia and Ingvar had missed, something he could exploit. They needed a miracle right now. 

As if he could read Hal’s thoughts, Rollond plopped down into the seat next to Stig and sloppily embraced him. 

“Stig! Hal!” 

Stig and Hal exchanged looks. Rollond wasn’t normally one to get so drunk, but he was cheerful enough and the couple needed a break from their scheming. It was also tax season and that was enough to make anyone drink.

Oblivious to any awkwardness his presence caused, Rollond beamed at his two friends. “What are you two up to?”

Unsure if he should tell Rollond, Stig looked to Hal for guidance and Hal merely shrugged. With the way Rollond was acting, he probably wouldn’t remember anything so they could probably ask him for his advice. 

“We’re trying to figure out how to beat Lydia and Ingvar in taxes this year. There’s no way we’re going to though.” concluded Stig sadly. 

Rollond hiccupped and stared crookedly at the wall like he was debating something. Finally, he made his decision. 

“Ok, hic, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I’m a little too drunk right now to care and you guys seem so sad,” Rollond frowned and pitched forward, making Hal catch him before he hit the table.

“You’re not supposed to tell us what?” inquired Hal. 

Rollond looked guilty to the side. “Lydia and Ingvar aren’t married. They got a divorce and I was the witness.” 

Stig slammed his hand down on the table, startling the nearby patrons. Ignoring the dirty stares directed his way, Stig crowed in excitement. “I knew it! They’d been acting weird the past few days!”

Hal stared at Rollond. “Rollond, you may have just helped us immensely. Please, we have to buy you a drink.” If what Rollond had said was true, and it seemed to be true, then Rollond had provided the exact thing Hal and Stig needed to win the tax evasion competition.

“As long as you don’t say that I told you guys their secret!” Rollond was beaming, oblivious to the schemes running through Hal’s head. 

“Don’t worry Rollond; we won’t tell a soul.” Stig and Hal got up to grab some drinks and left Rollond alone.

In their jubilance, Hal and Stig didn’t see Rollond, much more sober than he had been a moment ago, look over his shoulder and see Edvin sitting unobtrusively in the corner booth. Rollond raised his thumb and Edvin smiled. The trap had been set. Sensing the couple coming back, Rollond quickly turned back around and grabbed the drink set in front of him. It was going to be a fun day tomorrow.  
~  
The night passed quickly and it was finally tax season time. One day, Skandians woke up and felt it deep in their bones. There was no need to speak of it; everyone just knew and started to prepare for the long held tradition.

Ingvar woke up first, which was unusual. Usually Lydia woke up early to go hunting or to take a walk. He basked for a moment, imagining what the rest of the day would look like. It was glorious; he could already see Hal and Stig’s faces when they realized what was in store for them. 

Perhaps sensing his glee, Lydia rolled over and looked blearily at him. “What are you so happy about?” 

“It’s tax day!”

That got Lydia up in a flash. “I can’t believe you let me sleep in this late! We have stuff to do before everyone else-”

Ingvar laughed at the sight of Lydia all worked up. It was hard to believe that just a few years earlier, Lydia had no idea when tax season was. She had changed so much. 

“What are you laughing at?” asked Lydia. 

He couldn’t help himself; Ingvar kept laughing. “Re-remember this time 2 years ago when you didn’t know what tax season was? You were so innocent then!”

“Those were simpler times.” Lydia looked fondly at her former husband, remembering the good times they had. Her back straightened up as she thought of the day ahead of them. “But this is now and we have things to do.”  
~  
Ulf and Wulf walked to the tax collecting table with their heads hung low. They had given up on any tax evasion schemes this year; there would be no pretending to be one person, no pretending to be Ingvar and Lydia. Those schemes were in the past. Out of the Herons, they were the only ones left. Lydia and Ingvar were married, Stig and Hal were married, Stefan was engaged to Jesper, Edvin was literally collecting their taxes, and Thorn was too scary to approach for a tax scheme. 

“Just take our money and arrest us now,” whined Ulf. 

“There’s no point in trying this year; we’re all alone.” echoed Wulf. “It’s no fun anymore.”

Erak had never heard someone besides Edvin willingly give the full amount of taxes so naturally he checked his ears to see if he was hearing things. He could see the twins in front of him, but what they were saying didn’t make any sense. 

“Come again? You want to pay your taxes and get arrested? Am I going crazy?”

Edvin sighed. Ulf and Wulf were being overdramatic. “I’ll handle this Erak.”

Erak happily passed the buck off to Edvin. Yes, it was problematic that Edvin was so close to Ingvar and Lydia and was working as a tax collector, but Edvin was so qualified for the job and Borsa had quit. There was no way Erak was collecting taxes by himself; having Edvin with him was better than nothing even if it did bring up issues of corruptibility. 

Ulf had flopped himself on the ground and Wulf was trying to hand over the taxes, but he couldn’t physically make himself give the money away. The bag of money was shaking in his hand. 

“Just take our money Edvin!” mumbled Ulf from the ground. Edvin sighed and pinched his nose. 

“I’m not taking that money. It’s Stefan and Jesper’s; they switched out your money for theirs in an attempt to frame you for tax evasion.”

“WHAT?” The twins cried out in unison. Immediately Ulf got up off of the ground, fists clenched. 

“Those jerks! You can’t be serious, Edvin!”

The twins were all riled up now, shaking their fists and jumping around. “They aren’t gonna get away with this! Where are they Edvin? Where are they?”

Wulf grabbed Edvin’s shirt and pulled him close. “Tell us; they can’t get away with this.” 

This scared Edvin slightly and he motioned for Wulf to release him. Once released, Edvin straightened his shirt and huffed. 

“Stefan and Jesper are right behind us trying to steal the ledgers.” He didn't even have to look back to know he was right. The couple had been stealing things all week and the ledgers were just the latest casualty. 

This time, Jesper was the one who froze and he nudged Stefan who had one hand outreached for a ledger. Ulf and Wulf flew at them, trying to tackle the couple to the ground, and for a minute all Erak and Edvin could see were flying papers and a mass of wrestlers on the ground. 

Rather than break them up, Edvin let them tire themselves out and Erak tried to stare off into the distance. 

Erak felt another headache on top of the one he already had coming on and he wondered if Lydia and Ingvar were close. He saw movement and groaned; Erak had been right. Lydia and Ingvar were casually strolling down the path like they didn’t have a care in the world. They were carrying a larger sack than usual, which wasn’t saying much, and Erak wondered if someone could take him out of his misery. Maybe Svengal would show up and take Erak home. One could dream.

Kloof and Thorn were beside Ingvar, which didn’t raise Erak’s spirits at all. Thorn had his hammer hand in and looked ready to fight someone. Lydia and Ingvar approached the table with all the confidence in the world, their heads held high like they were the Oberjarl instead of Erak. 

“Hello Oberjarl. We’ve come to pay our taxes.” 

Yeah right, thought Erak, but the quicker he accepted the fact that this was happening, the quicker he would be done. He started to reach for the bag and everyone gathered around, eager to see how much money Lydia and Ingvar were paying this year. 

Suddenly, Hal came bursting through the Herons gathered around the table. “I found proof last night that you and Ingvar divorced this year! You are literally committing tax fraud! And not the good, legal kind.” A gasp rose through the crowd; no one had known Lydia and Ingvar had split. What would happen to Hallasholm’s power couple? No one cared about the tax fraud, that was to be expected, but Lydia and Ingvar were Hallasholm’s most beloved couple. 

Lydia and Ingvar looked at Edvin and smirked. It seemed like Hal had taken Rollond’s bait. Excellent. Their plan was unfolding perfectly. 

“Yes, that’s true,” conceded Ingvar. “But did you check the records this morning? We got married again. Erak, you missed our wedding for the second time.” Brunhilde had married them at the crack of dawn in complete secrecy. Rollond was their witness again before he left to go to the mountains. 

Lydia shook her head, her braid flying. “For shame, Erak.”

Erak sank his head into his hands. He never asked for any of this when he became Oberjarl; all he wanted was to sail around and plunder things. Instead, he had to deal with disrespectful citizens who were doing what he should have been doing. 

It shouldn’t have come to a shock for anyone, but Ulf and Wulf still fainted just like the last time they had heard the news. Everyone else just looked even more shocked yet resigned. Hal threw the papers on the ground and Ingvar scooped them up; he wanted to hang them up in the cabin as a celebration of this day. 

“So, we get another deduction for your absence, the alimony, and our dependents.” Ingvar smiled primly. 

“Oh, and don’t forget the two caregiver deductions.”

At the same time Jesper and Ulf exclaimed “Caregiver?” and Ulf glared at Jesper. He was still mad for the ledger framing. Lydia was the last person in Hallasholm that Jesper would want as his caregiver. She’d probably toss him in the river if he said he was too hot. 

Lydia glared at them like she knew what they were thinking. “I’m a caregiver to Ingvar and Thorn. Ingvar’s legally blind and Thorn has one hand.” She leaned closer to Erak like she was letting them in on a secret. “They need a lot of care.”

Thorn held up his hook hand. “This makes it real hard to grab swords and that hinders my education.” Everyone remembered how he was getting a degree in pirating and collectively agreed to ignore that degree. Thorn as pirate was a terrifying vision. 

At least those deductions actually made sense, unlike how they claimed Great Aunt Winfredia as a dependent last year. She hadn’t made an appearance yet which Erak took as a good sign. 

Sensing that Erak’s mind was wandering, Edvin tried to steer conversation back to taxes. “Do you have your forms?”

Lydia dutifully handed over the papers to Edvin who checked them over and handed them to Erak.

If Erak had been drinking his mead, he would have spit it out. “You have how many dependents? You can’t claim Winfredia again!”

As if summoned, Winfredia appeared with the wind. Her dress still looked like it was made from a potato sack, but it was better than last year and Winfredia was fuming.

“They most certainly can claim me! They take care of me all year unlike you!” 

Erak was grinding his teeth; they had covered this last year, that much he remembered. There had been a loud shouting match about this issue, one that did not bear to be repeated. 

“No,” He grit out. “We decided last year that I would claim you Winfredia.”

In the commotion, Hal was straining his neck, trying to catch a glimpse at Ingvar and Lydia’s tax papers. Edvin’s arm was shielding the ledgers, but Hal wasn’t going to let that stop him. He climbed on top of Stig’s shoulders and peered over Edvin. What he saw on Lydia and Ingvar’s files made him squawk in distress, which made Stig almost topple over. Hal fell off his husband’s shoulders, but was caught by Ulf who promptly dropped him to the ground. 

From the ground, Hal started to brush dirt off of himself and he glared up at Lydia. This was more important than any squabbles Erak had with Winfredia. 

“Why do you have five dependents down on your tax forms?” At these words, Stig peered suspiciously at his friends. Maybe Ingvar had roped in Ulf and Wulf into their scheme; it was unlikely, but miracles had happened before. 

The other Herons looked confused as Lydia and Ingvar let them work it out in silence. Erak was holding Winfredia’s arm about an inch from his face and he wished he hadn’t stopped the fist. A black eye was better than this. 

Counting on his fingers, Stefan slowly laid it all out for everyone. “Kloof, that’s one. Winfredia, that’s two,” Great Aunt Winfredia hmmmphed at being named the second dependent. “And Thorn makes three…”

All eyes swiveled over the Thorn who looked too satisfied with himself. Thorn let them stare at him for a moment before swinging his eyes over to Stig and Hal. Jesper’s mouth dropped; he was the first one to understand. Lydia and Ingvar couldn’t have… but they did. They had claimed Hal and Stig as dependents somehow. 

Chaos broke loose. 

There was yelling and some intelligible screaming, probably from Wulf and maybe Hal, and no one could tell what was happening. 

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” Stig yelled at Lydia who was smirking. She and Ingvar high fived. 

“You eat at my house at least once a week and eat the food that I provide. Is that not the definition of being dependent on me?” Lydia spread out her hands wide and tried to keep the smile off of her face. 

“That’s not fair! You invited us to your house with the other Herons!” shouted Stig. Lydia had indeed claimed all the other Herons as dependents on another tax form that Edvin was currently hiding, but Stig and Hal didn’t need to know that. 

“You can’t claim me as a dependent! I’m married; I have my own boat, Gorlog, I even filed my own taxes!” Those were fair points, but Lydia wasn’t backing down. 

“I’m the breadwinner of this family! Thorn is your father and I take care of Thorn, so I can claim you as a dependent.”

Hal looked beseechingly to Erak. “She can’t be allowed to do this, can she?”

Before Erak could even eke out a word, Edvin broke in. His words were appropriately apologetic, but there was no mistaking the look on his face. “Actually, Lydia is within her full legal rights to claim you as her dependents.”

“I hate this tax system! Nothing makes sense and it keeps changing year to year!” Instead of using his powers of earnest lies for the good of the Brotherband, Edvin was using his power to help Lydia and Ingvar. To Hal, it was an utmost betrayal. 

Lydia smirked and Stig glowered at her. “This is what you get for that custody battle.” 

Perhaps sensing the words, Kloof sidled closer to Lydia who wrapped a protective arm around the dog’s neck. Ingvar also wrapped his arms around Kloof.

“Don’t be mad that your scheme failed and ours worked.”

Stig broke in; he couldn’t help himself. “Just wait and see who’s laughing at the end of today!”

Ingvar swelled up to his full size, completely towering over Stig.

“Is that a threat?”

Stig took a step back and fell silent. He didn’t want to mess with Ingvar any more than Ingvar wanted to fight Stig. Perhaps he had taken the competition a little too far. 

Ingvar stared at Stig for a moment more before he turned to the Oberjarl. It was time to finish this. Lydia nodded and Ingvar tossed the bag in front of Erak. 

Erak pulled the bag reluctantly toward him; he was afraid to even take a look. When he peered inside, there wasn’t any money. A groan Erak hadn’t been aware he had been holding back escaped from his mouth. He didn’t want to hear the excuse Lydia had prepared, but there was no stopping the couple. 

To the crowd of stunned people, Lydia patiently explained that Limmeat was a tax haven for citizens living abroad and so she and Ingvar had sunk all their money into a thirty year holding account. The money that they had on hand wasn’t legally taxable by Skandians standards and all the other deductions. 

That was the last straw for Erak. He had endured so much over the past few days, getting woken up, getting hit on the head by Winfredia, and having to collect taxes. He was done. Erak did not care what happened at all. 

“I’m so sick and done with your tax evasion schemes! You don’t ever have to pay taxes again as far as I’m concerned; I don’t even want to see the group of you around here next season. Just leave me alone!”

“Can we get that in writing?” asked Ingvar with an angelic tone. Erak wanted to scream; he may have screamed, he wasn’t really sure what was real these days. Edvin was already holding out a notarized paper and Erak grabbed it from his hands. 

Scribbling out a large and almost illegible response, Erak threw the paper right back at Edvin and stormed off. 

Hal and Stig followed suit, their hands on each other’s back for comfort. Lydia and Ingvar had bested them and their only comfort was that next year they would be the best couple at avoiding taxes. They didn’t see the look Stefan gave Jesper and the following smile that appeared on Jesper’s face, but Ingvar did and he nudged Lydia. Erak may not have to deal with them any more, but Ingvar had a feeling that Stefan and Jesper were just getting started.

**Author's Note:**

> This went a little longer than I planned, but I think it's funny.


End file.
